Posts tagged Kylie Jenner
Kinderella Kardashian
Diary of the Forgotten Kardashian Sister
Dear Diary,
I feel like I disappeared for a week. Mother’s fecalist found a few extra skin cells in her colon, so I’ve been nursing Mother back to health from her revolutionary intestine-lift. She’s the first person in America to undergo the procedure and is unfortunately still alive to talk about it.
Things have been exciting around the house now that Kim’s breakup has FINALLY aired on E! More importantly, Kendall and Kylie are on the March cover of Teen Vogue. The best thing about this cover is that Kylie proves that she is truly the Khloe Kardashian of her generation by playing the ugly sister role. Just kidding…the best thing is the Hunger Games Special! Peeetttttaaaaaaaaaa!
Until next time,
Kinderella
Dear Diary,
The Four Whores-men of the ApoKalypse shall be arriving on newsstands in Spring 2012! That’s right, my sisters and mother are working on a deal to produce their very own magazine dedicated solely to our family! Since they are going to be heavily involved in the editorial process, I assume my sisters will only include pictures and perfume samples in the magazine. Or maybe a coloring book? Words are hard. Either way, it’s going to be the first magazine ever created with eyeliner and used pieces of gum to hold it together. I just hope the final product is as succulent as my sisters’ hips so the homeless can have comfortable bedding for the end of the world.
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: New York Post)
Dear Diary,
Most people have lucky rabbit’s feet to give them a false sense of security and enlightenment. We in the Kardashian/Jenner Klan commissioned a pack of scientists to create real life Raccoon Marios, kill them, and then give us their tails for spiritual guidance. I mean we’re all princesses and Mario ALWAYS saves the princess…it makes sense, right? Kendall must have been feeling really safe yesterday because not only did she have her lucky raccoon tail, but she also had her lucky camel toe in that velour tracksuit! So chic!
Until Next Time,
Kinderella
(Source: Daily Mail)
Dear Diary,
Thank Christ, Krismas is over! I finally got an iPad! I guess I should be upset that the family only found me worthy of a first generation iPad, but Ryan Gossling still looks beautiful on its screen so I shall not complain. Kendall and Kylie were deemed worthy of receiving two new chocolate labrador puppies and gaudily named them Louis and Vuitton. What is that you hear? Oh yes, somewhere Sarah McLachlan is weeping.
I don’t mean to kill the holiday spirit and all, but I’m pretty sure Mother has been channeling this bitch for years:
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: Daily Mail)
Dear Diary,
Another holiday, another Kardashian scandal. Yesterday Star Magazine reported that the factories my family uses to produce its Kardashit to sell to poor people don’t follow government regulations and that child workers are forced to work in overly hot conditions for just one dollar an hour. My favorite quote from Star’s story is of Charles Kernaghan, the executive director of the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights, who says, “The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people”. NO SHIT, Charlie! I guess he was speaking in metaphors, but I think he really hit the herpes on Kim’s vagina on the head with that one.
Well, of course Mother went on a rampage denying any wrongdoing and currently has me drafting a lawsuit against Star Magazine and Mr. Kernaghan for libel and for the tarnishing of the Kardashian brand. I’m really proud of Mother for setting such steadfast boundaries. New family motto: child labor is only kool when it’s white kids named Kendall, Kylie, and Mason who produce millions.
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: tmz.com)
Dear Diary,
My family gave the world the best holiday gift ever yesterday by releasing our 2011 holiday card. Well, a PORTION of the holiday card. For some reason they cropped out the arch featuring Brody and Brandon Jenner, Avril Lavigne, and me. The good news is that thanks to this card bowties will finally be out of fashion in 2012 and I will therefore not have to spend as much time around mother’s gross neck skin. I have received a number of inquiries about what I will be purchasing my siblings for Christmas, so I have decided there is no better time to answer everyone until now:
Kim: A trip to the Australian Open. I figure if she starts dating a tennis player then she will have to be completely silent at least three hours per match. You’re welcome, America.
Kourtney: My most boring sister will be receiving a special 3D edition of “American Psycho” so she can find out how she will soon be murdered.
Khloe: Chaz Bono. He’s recently single and I really think the Oprah Winfrey Network can benefit from the ratings that this transgender couple would inspire.
Rob: A leech. Maybe he’ll finally be able to understand the meaning of his nickname. More likely he will just place it on his penis and brag about being blown 24/7.
Kendall & Kylie: Rings. NuvaRings. Because America television doesn’t need a Teen Mom 3.
Merry Krismas!
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: Celebuzz!)
