Posts tagged Kourtney Kardashian
Kinderella Kardashian
Diary of the Forgotten Kardashian Sister
Dear Diary,
Kourtney, Scott, and Mason just got back from an exciting family vacation in Mexico! I’m not exactly sure what they were taking the vacation from, but I got tequila out of the deal so I won’t question it. That pregnancy weight really suits Scott well, look at how he fills out that shirt! Kourt and Scott stayed at the home of their dear friend Joe Francis, the creator of the postmodern video series Girls Gone Wild. Mason looks so happy in this picture because he knows the next vacation will likely be at the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada where he can see full on vag. I’m so pissed he’s not gay because this family needs a homosexual. Think of all the marketing opportunities!
Until next time,
Kinderella
Dear Diary,
And the award in Best Photoshop Achievement goes to…
I hope those little Asian kids making these jeans get a working wage if the jeans are magical enough to make my two hag sisters and one half sister look like THIS compared to how they normally look.
Until next time,
Kinderella
Dear Diary,
I had to wake up early before everyone else this morning so I can watch Downton Abbey in peace. I tried watching the premiere last night, but Kourtney kept asking why there weren’t subtitles since they weren’t speaking English.
Khloe and Rob seem to be having a good time in Dallas. Khloe uploaded this picture to her Twitter proclaiming that she and Rob were in Cow Town. The jokes just write themselves, don’t they? I think it’s very noble that Rob is embracing Texas to the fullest extent possible by rocking the dirty migrant Mexican worker look. When does the deportation process start?
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: twitpic.com)
Dear Diary,
Nothing says “the economy is still really down” like Mattel producing Barbie Dolls in the form of Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe. Allegedly these dolls are actually going to reflect the girls’ measurements and style, although, I’m not sure how they are going to lower the plastic dolls’ IQs to accurately reflect my sisters. I’m being unusually supportive about this around the house today. Mainly because I am writing a script as we speak for Toy Story 4 in which the Kardashian barbies have illicit sexual relations with all the sports action figures and an epidemic of TIV (toy immunodeficiency virus) breaks out. It’s going to be educational as hell. Not to spoil the climax of the film, but I’m hoping Pixar will go for a bukkake scene between the Kim Barbie and all the little green army men!
Until next time,
Kinderella
Dear Diary,
The Four Whores-men of the ApoKalypse shall be arriving on newsstands in Spring 2012! That’s right, my sisters and mother are working on a deal to produce their very own magazine dedicated solely to our family! Since they are going to be heavily involved in the editorial process, I assume my sisters will only include pictures and perfume samples in the magazine. Or maybe a coloring book? Words are hard. Either way, it’s going to be the first magazine ever created with eyeliner and used pieces of gum to hold it together. I just hope the final product is as succulent as my sisters’ hips so the homeless can have comfortable bedding for the end of the world.
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: New York Post)
Dear Diary,
I hope the American public appreciated the first Kourtney & Kim Take New York of 2012 that aired last night! I know I did. Kim decided to test her bff Jonathan Cheban’s sexual preference after HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED questioned whether Jonathan was homosexual (side note: Kim & HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED were only married for 72 days…how many episodes can this guy be in?!). Kim’s brilliant plan to see whether Jonathan was into dudes involved changing in front of him in her closet. Jonathan averted his eyes…so Kim and HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED discern that he is gay because of course every straight man would want to see Kim Kardashian changing. Duh.
I’m not so convinced though. Maybe he didn’t look because everyone has already seen it all before? Maybe he prefers more Klassy women? Maybe he prefers a woman whose ego doesn’t match her ass size? Either way, if he wasn’t gay before, Jonathan is gay now after being in that closet in that situation.
I think the real thing we all should be questioning after last night’s episode is where Kim is spending all her money? It’s certainly not on bras…that thing is heinous!
Until Next Time,
Kinderella
Dear Diary,
My family gave the world the best holiday gift ever yesterday by releasing our 2011 holiday card. Well, a PORTION of the holiday card. For some reason they cropped out the arch featuring Brody and Brandon Jenner, Avril Lavigne, and me. The good news is that thanks to this card bowties will finally be out of fashion in 2012 and I will therefore not have to spend as much time around mother’s gross neck skin. I have received a number of inquiries about what I will be purchasing my siblings for Christmas, so I have decided there is no better time to answer everyone until now:
Kim: A trip to the Australian Open. I figure if she starts dating a tennis player then she will have to be completely silent at least three hours per match. You’re welcome, America.
Kourtney: My most boring sister will be receiving a special 3D edition of “American Psycho” so she can find out how she will soon be murdered.
Khloe: Chaz Bono. He’s recently single and I really think the Oprah Winfrey Network can benefit from the ratings that this transgender couple would inspire.
Rob: A leech. Maybe he’ll finally be able to understand the meaning of his nickname. More likely he will just place it on his penis and brag about being blown 24/7.
Kendall & Kylie: Rings. NuvaRings. Because America television doesn’t need a Teen Mom 3.
Merry Krismas!
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: Celebuzz!)
Dear Diary,
As I mentioned yesterday, I spent most of the day preparing our estate for our first, and last, annual “Most Fascinating People” viewing party. I used to have so much respect for Barbara Walters as a journalist and television pioneer. I mean, without The View I would never have patented the “Whoopi Goldberg Eyebrow” as a euphemism for my vagina waxing. However, for some inexplicable reason, Ms. Walters selected “the Kardashians” as one of our her ten most fascinating people of 2011. I think this proves Ms. Walters is going senile for reasons beyond the fact that the only list my sisters and mother belong on is a blacklist (side note: a blacklist is also Kim and Khloe’s favorite sexual position). Ms. Walters clearly does not have the mental capacity left to count because her list is only supposed to have ten fascinating people, however, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kris are only being counted as one fascinating entity and therefore are one-fourth a person each. I would like to point out that prior to the ratification of the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, slaves counted as three-fifths a person and everyone knows how cruelly and harshly they were treated. So, basically, my sisters and mother are of lower social stature than slaves were in the pre-Civl War era. Hmpf. Barbara Walters isn’t senile, she’s a goddamn genius!
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: insidetv.ew.com)
Dear Diary,
Mother has been selected to be the judge “from the field of beauty” for the 2012 Miss America Pageant. Yes…from the field of beauty. Because nothing says beauty like a woman who allowed cameras to capture her getting an evasive chin lift weeks before her daughter’s second failed marriage. The pageant is January 12th, so I know the next weeks are going to be full of enemas, cocaine, and trips to the plastic surgeon office for “fillers” to make faces camera-ready…and that’s just for Bruce.
The Miss America Pageant prides itself as representing the highest ideals, saying the winner will be a real combination of beauty, grace, and intelligence, being both artistic and refined. The Pageant is a scholarship program that only rewards young women who can be role models for girls across America. To that I have to say:
AND
AND
Until next time,
Kinderella
Dear Diary,
I swear Kourtney’s new baby will be the death of me. Mother has somehow manipulated the cable company into blocking the airing of all episodes of Teen Mom in our homes. I’m furious. Watching Teen Mom taught me a lot about how the 99% live and provided great cultural anthropology and biological disease chain lessons for Kendall and Kylie. Apparently Farrah Abraham, my second favorite Teen Mom after the ginger who has her shit together, got in a Twitter war with Kourtney and Scott a few days ago over Kourtney’s unplanned and irresponsible pregnancy. I don’t really understand why Farrah would be fighting with Kourtney since they have so much in common. I mean think about it: they both are overly tan, they both wear too much makeup, they both pretend to be models, they both mothered children who are androgynous and look too much like the opposite sex, they both have overbearing mothers who make questionable fashion and hair choices, and they both have lifeless baby daddies.
The war really got insane when Scott called Farrah a “shitstain on Twitter,” to which Farrah asked if “shitstain” was racist. Now Scott may be ignorant as hell in a lot of ways, but he is not racist. I mean, not to be accusatory, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen a minority on Teen Mom unless you count Tyler. In fact, Teen Mom stole a concept that minorities have been exceeding at for years, focused on white people doing it, and then capitalized on the concept. Is that raci$t? Definitely. This whole Twitter fight is stupid and the only thing it has accomplished is that now I have to micro-manage my sisters’ tweeting. Ugh, I’m going to have to hire a consultant to teach me the art of pervasive self-LOL’ing alone. LOL.
Until next time,
Kinderella
(Source: eonline.com)
